


A Ghost, a Dryad and a Werebear go into a Bar

by ashtraythief



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Schmoop, Were-Creatures, bottom!Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-09
Updated: 2013-07-09
Packaged: 2017-12-18 05:36:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/876209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashtraythief/pseuds/ashtraythief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared is new to the city, Jensen is in town for the weekend... but really, this is just cracky porn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Ghost, a Dryad and a Werebear go into a Bar

**Author's Note:**

> There was wine and I was supposed to write something for the new [j2_crack](http://j2-crack.livejournal.com/) community. I know, I promised [meus_venator](../users/meus_venator/pseuds/meus_venator) more duchess, but the wine insisted on this instead.
> 
> Huge thanks to [linvro21](../users/linvro21/pseuds/linvro21) for getting this from tipsy-land to actual fic material! All remaining mistakes are my own.

 

 

A ghost, a dryad and a werebear sitting in a bar.  
  
It was like the start of a bad joke, Jared thought when he brought the drinks back to their table: hot air spiked with vodka for Chad, gin and algae juice for Misha, and mead for himself. They were off to a great evening.  
  
Jared was relatively new to the city – due to his nature he’d lived in the woods for a long time – but when a big company set up at the edge of his forest and started cutting down trees, he was forced to move.  
  
The Alliance of Supernatural Creatures had provided him with Chad as a guide to life in a human city. Chad claimed to have decades of experience – apparently he had died some time in the 19th century – but he still didn’t get how to talk to people, especially women. Or they maybe just weren’t really that in to sleeping with a ghost. Chad claimed his species just had a bad rep, but when Jared saw him becoming invisible for the first time to stalk the women's bathroom, he had an inkling that the problem might be Chad’s personality and not his density.  
  
Chad had insisted on dragging him out drinking every weekend, so he could let loose and meet other fuzzy people, as he put it, so he could get his ´groove` on. Yeah.  
  
And it wasn’t that Jared didn’t want to, he had been alone for a long time now. There had been a weresquirrel in the forest that was really cute and for a while they got along great. At night, they would both shift and Gen would curl herself somewhere into his thick dark fur and they would sleep peacefully. Unfortunately their personalities were not really compatible, Gen was just too quirky and too active for him.  
  
So Jared had tried to meet people, but really, he wasn’t gonna take anyone. There were certain species that were out just because of certain attributes – vampires were too cold, elves were too small and satyrs were just plain nasty – and Chad had despaired. So he had introduced him to Misha.  
  
Misha was a dryad, which meant he was ethereal and esoteric and always going on about air flow and mother nature’s divine plan, but he knew _everybody_.  
  
He introduced Jared to a myriad of creatures, but somehow none if them did it for him. Jared realized he was being picky, but he couldn’t get his groove on with anybody.  
  
Tonight, for the first time in weeks, Operation Get Jared Laid was off the table, and the three of them were just drinking and having fun.  
  
A ghost, a dryad and a werebear sitting in a bar...  
  
For a while, it went fine.  
  
Chad got chewed out by three elves, one pagan goddess and something that looked like a human woman, but only had one eye.  
  
Misha had a long philosophical debate with a Valkyrie about the value of a human life and later got into an argument with the ghost of a local property developer. Jared just leaned back, taking in all the crazy around him and congratulated himself on moving out of his forest. The city was just so much more lively.  
  
He was fully content on being an observer for the night, when he caught the most delicious scent his nose had ever smelled.  
  
He raised his head and took a deep sniff, but the bar was too crowded, too many different odors were battling for dominance, and Jared couldn’t locate the source.  
  
But there was no way he could ignore this. The smell was sweet and heavy, like honey and candycanes, sweets and flowers all wrapped into one.  
  
He got up from his chair and started making his way through the bar. He heard Chad call out behind him, but Jared didn’t care. He was a bear on a mission.  
  
The scent finally got stronger when he made his way to the backroom. It contained a couple of pool tables and as usual they attracted the rougher crowd. A band of orks was playing members of the local wolfpack and the scent of a fight was already heavy in the air. Jared hoped the barkeeper had a good insurance.  
  
His nose led him to the table in the corner.  
  
It took him a while to identify the creatures standing around the pool table.  
  
They all looked human but when Jared concentrated, he could see long furry ears on three of them: Easter bunnies. It was June, so they were still on vacation and if you believed Chad they were worse troublemakers than the orks from Finsterwald.  
  
The E-bunnies were playing a bunch of elves. The elves had the pointy ears and the glowing eyes, but contrary to the common wood elf, they all stood as tall as any human.  
  
“Figured that that would turn your crank.” Chad’s voice ripped him out if his trance.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Santa’s elves.”  
  
“Who now?” Jared asked, still slightly inebriated by that sweet scent.  
  
“The guys you're ogling, they’re Santa's elves. It’s almost time for the yearly Easter – Christmas tournament weekend and they’re in town early, flexing their muscles.”  
  
“Okay.” What else do you say to information like that? Half a year ago he hadn’t even known that Santa and the Easter bunny were real.  
  
His eyes went back to the table where one of the elves had bent over to take a shot.  
  
Jared felt his mouth go dry; he was looking at the most delectable round ass he had ever seen.  
  
Chad gave him a clap on the back. “Go get `em, tiger!”  
  
Jared walked over to the table just when the elves erupted in cheers and the rabbits threw their cues away. Apparently hot ass had just taken the winning shot.  
  
Jared still had no idea what to say, when Fate decided to intervene in his favor through a bunch of intoxicated orks at the other table. She suddenly appeared next to Jared, gave him a wink and was gone before he could blink, leaving only one of her golden threads behind. The next moment there was a loud clash and an angry yell from the orks.  
  
“You cheating mutts!” one of them yelled, which was answered by a growl and the ripping of clothes.  
  
It was instant chaos. The wolves shifted and about a dozen hotheaded and very drunk orks engaged them in a fight immediately.  
  
Glasses were flying everywhere, furniture broke and shrieking patrons ran for safety.  
  
The bunnies jumped out of the pool room faster than the eye could see and the elves followed close behind. The one who had taken the winning shot helped another elf out of there, before a pool ball sped through the air, hitting him clean in the head.  
  
He fell like a tree.  
  
Jared moved instantly. He usually was a rather placid fellow, but if the situation called for it, he could be quite fast.  
  
Unfortunately, the fighting moved in his direction. His way was blocked by two orks wrangling with three wolves. One of their feet stamped down dangerously close to the unconscious elf’s head and Jared lost it.  
  
He felt his bones stretching, his teeth elongating and his clothes ripping from his body.  
  
Normally, Jared was a nice guy. He lazed around his den, chased butterflies over meadows and loved nothing more than to take long naps. If he got angry though, it was a whole different game. It took him a while to get there, but to see the sweet smelling elf in danger of getting trampled to death by a couple of stupid drunks, that was more than enough.  
  
Before anybody knew what was going on, a nine feet tall grizzly bear was standing in the bar, getting up on his hind legs and letting out an earsplitting roar.  
  
Most patrons were smart enough to take their legs into their hands and ran for their lives. Those who stayed behind were swatted away by giant paws until Jared was so close to the elf he could finally see his face.  
  
Holy shit, he was beautiful.  
  
Jared was running purely on instinct when he picked up the unconscious guy and carried him out of the bar.  
  
He didn’t know what a picture they made; a werebear carrying an unconscious man through the city, but right now all Jared could think was mate – safe – den – protect – mine.  
  
He didn’t know how long it took to reach his apartment, break in a window to get inside – his keys were lying somewhere in the heap of his shredded clothes in the bar – and to put the elf down on his couch.  
  
The frenzy was slowly receding and Jared wondered in how much trouble he would be come morning. He hoped the elf would forgive him for essentially kidnapping him.  
  
He centered his thoughts on his human half and shifted back.  
  
Of course it was then, when he was stark naked, that the elf opened his eyes.  
  
They were incredibly green, with that faint glow that identified him as a magical creature. He blinked adorably before focusing his eyes on Jared.  
  
They landed somewhere on his chest, went down to his cock, stayed there for the longest second of his life and then wandered up to his face.  
  
“Who the fuck are you and what the hell just happened?”  
  
The elf’s voice was surprisingly deep, but honey soft and Jared felt his dick harden.  
  
“Uhm, I, I’m Jared,” he stuttered out.  
  
The elf tilted his head to the side. “Hello Jared. You think you can answer the second part of my question as well?”  
  
“What?” Jared couldn’t tear his eyes away from that beautiful face and now that they were alone in his apartment, and the elf’s scent was the only thing his nose was capable of noticing, he couldn’t really be blamed for being a bit slow.  
  
“I want to know what the Easter happened! Why am I here? Wherever here is...” The elf looked around, critically taking in Jared’s apartment.  
  
Jared did miss his homey cave a bit, so he had tried to recreate its flair in his apartment. He had bought a bunch of brown carpets and generally dark furniture. His apartment had a huge fireplace and lots of plants to get the nature vibe. It looked very cozy.  
  
Judging by the elf’s disdainful expression, he didn’t think so.  
  
“You should also tell me what kind of furry critter you are.”  
  
“Bear,” Jared managed to get out. He was sweating bullets, he was nervous like he hadn’t been in years. He realized it was because he wanted the elf to like it here. _And stay_ a little voice in his head whispered.  
  
“I’m a bear,” he said, voice stronger now and drew himself up to his full height. Slouching was never attractive. If the way the elf’s eyes slid over him was any indication, his guest appreciated the new view.  
  
“Werebear I mean. And there was a fight at the bar and a pool ball hit you in the head. There were orks and wolves everywhere and you were unconscious, so I brought you here.”  
  
“So you saved me?” the elf asked.  
  
“Yes, I guess I did.”  
  
And then the elf smiled. Jared’s heart stopped and it took a while to start beating again, because that smile was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.  
  
“Well then,” the elf said, clapping his hands and standing up, “first; let me introduce myself. Jensen Honeyspots is my name and making candy is my craft.”  
  
Jared was in heaven. Or at the north pole. It seemed to be one and the same all of a sudden.  
  
“And since you saved me,” Jensen continued, “you may wish for something.”  
  
“Wish for something?”  
  
“Yes. For saving a candy elf, you are granted a wish.”  
  
Jared looked at the alluring creature and usually he knew a thousand things he wanted, but right now there was only one thing on his mind.  
  
“I wanna lick you all over,” he blurted out, before he clapped his hands over his mouth, but it was too late. He had already said it. Shit.  
  
Jensen’s eyebrows shot up, but his mouth drew up in the corners, twisting his plush lips into a smirk. Jared was so screwed.  
  
“That’s your wish? You could wish for anything in the whole world and you just want to lick me?”  
  
“Just?” Jared asked indignantly. He realized what a stupid thing that had been to say when the elf threw his head back and laughed.  
  
The sight was so mesmerizing – was there actual glitter floating through the air? – that Jared was still frozen to the spot when Jensen pulled off his shirt. He was chuckling when he toed of his pointy green boots and shucked his pants.  
  
Jared had to close his eyes in order to get some semblance of control back, but when he opened them again, Jensen had laid down on the couch, butt naked, his cock already half hard, and striking the Titanic-pose. Of course, Jensen looked a thousand times hotter than Kate Winslet.  
  
“But I can’t draw,” was all Jared could get out, but Jensen just grinned unperturbed.  
  
“Not even with your tongue?”  
  
Jared was in motion faster than ever in his life. Gone was the ambling, cordial bear most people knew and in his stead appeared the honey-crazed monster Jared turned into from time to time. Gen had always compared him to a mouse called Samson going after a piece of cheese, but Jared had thought that there was a huge difference between a mouse and a bear going bonkers.  
  
Mice didn’t break that much stuff, for example.  
  
Like now, when he pounced on the couch with too much momentum and it just toppled over. They landed on the backrest that was lying on the floor. It wasn’t as comfortable as the rest of the couch was, but the fall had brought Jared’s mouth directly to Jensen’s skin.  
  
He opened his lips and just licked.  
  
Pure ambrosia exploded over his tongue. Jensen tasted like the darkest honey, with a hint of sweet sweat and that scent that was just pure sex. Jared didn’t think he would ever be able to stop.  
  
He couldn’t even think about what Jensen thought of this or if he even liked it, he just flat out licked over hiss whole torso, up his neck, snaked his tongue around his ear and then sucked on the lobe.  
  
“Fuck, you weren’t kidding,” Jensen breathed out.  
  
Jared couldn’t reply, he was busy with trailing his tongue over Jensen’s arm. It tasted different here, stronger and sweeter, more acacia honey than that of a common wildflower. He nibbled on the inside of the elf’s elbow, where the taste was lighter, more subtle, before he moved onto his hands, sucking each finger into his mouth. Their taste was layered with all the mundane scents of the world, the wood from the cue, a splash of beer, Jared himself – it went through him like an electric shock, his dick getting unbearably hard immediately.  
  
Jensen’s taste mixed with his own; it did things to his body, things he had read about, but never thought he’d find, although he secretly hoped for it.  
  
“Jared? Hey, teddy!” Jensen tugged on his hair.  
  
Jared’s head snapped up to Jensen. “Can I get another wish?”  
  
Jensen’s eyes were huge, the green in them glimmering stronger now and his breathing was harsh and labored. “You can wish for anything you want, honey, as long as you don’t stop.”  
  
“I wanna fuck you,” was out of Jared’s mouth before he could remind himself that he had actual manners, even though he had lived in a forest most his life.  
  
Jensen just let out a sigh of relief though, and said, “thank Christmas!”  
  
Jared was already halfway between Jensen’s legs, his mouth never leaving skin, when he remembered they needed lube.  
  
“Shit, Jensen, wait, we need-”  
  
“Actually we don’t,” Jensen said and then there was a slick hand wrapping around his dick and guiding it to Jensen’s entrance.  
  
“What? I mean how? I mean – oh my god!”  
  
Whatever else he wanted to say, it was just gone from his mind. His brain was only capable of processing sensatory information; the tightness, the hotness and that sticky-slick drag of Jensen around him.  
  
He pulled back and suddenly the scent around him intensified, getting heavier, like the best honey made out of chestnut. It was Jared’s favorite.  
  
“C'mon brownie, move it!”  
  
And Jared did. It wasn’t easy, fucking Jensen as hard as possible and still licking and kissing his sweet skin the whole time, but somehow Jared managed. Jensen seemed to be pretty happy with his technique anyway, a constant stream of filth was falling from his pretty lips and Jared was torn between kissing him or letting him talk.  
  
In the end he did kiss him though, because while Jensen tasted awesome and different everywhere, nothing could really compete with the taste of his mouth. When Jared kissed his mouth, he was transported into a flower covered meadow, just lying in all the blooming plants, their clean, fresh scent surrounding him. He could feel the sun on his skin and could taste all of mother nature’s sweetnesses at once. The sweet and sour taste of strawberries, the softer aroma of raspberries, the fresh and exotic sweetness of a peach, even the tangy taste of a papaya – Jensen’s mouth provided him with a palette of all the different kinds of natural sweetness, dipped in pure sugar.  
  
Jared was getting high from it, feeling light-headed and buzzed up all at once. Added to that the most beautiful creature he had ever seen – _his mate_ – was writhing under him, it was no surprise that his orgasm just rushed through him. His whole body tensed up and he bit down hard into Jensen’s shoulder. The taste of honeydew flooded his mouth and if it had been possible, Jared would have come again.  
  
As it was, he just collapsed, really grateful that the elf was normal-sized, otherwise he would have squished him.  
  
After a while Jensen started wiggling around, but Jared wasn’t prepared to let him go. He knew, without a doubt, that even though Jensen was a candy elf from the north pole, he was the one Jared was supposed to spend the rest of his life with.  
  
He had no idea what Jensen would say to that, he didn’t even know if elves mated, for bee’s sake, but somehow he would make it work.  
  
He rolled himself against the couch, taking Jensen with him.  
  
The elf huffed. “You really are a giant teddy, aren’t you?”  
  
“Yeah,” Jared said, tightening his arms around Jensen in case his new mate wanted to bolt. “Is that bad?”  
  
Jensen was quiet for a while before he shook his head slightly. “Nah. Might actually come in handy, it gets awfully cold up at the pole.”  
  
Jared drew back to look at the elf. “What? I mean, are you- What are you saying?”  
  
“Fuck, we really need to work on your eloquence,” the elf said, but he was smiling. “What I’m saying is that in a couple of weeks the pre-organization for this year’s festivities start, and even though my actual work doesn’t start until September, there are still department and budget meetings I have to attend, I have to go through the job applicants, and let me tell you, minions are a mess to coordinate, and I have to talk to my suppliers, and-”  
  
Jared put a finger over Jensen’s mouth to stop his rant. “What exactly are you saying?”  
  
Jensen snaked out his tongue and licked the pad of Jared’s finger. It made goosebumps run down his spine.  
  
“I’m saying that I wanna take you with me and you’re gonna be my giant, furry heater.”  
  
Something must have shown on his face, probably the gut-wrenching desperation he felt at Jensen’s words; being nothing more than Jensen’s personal heater, because the elf leaned forwards and placed a soft kiss on his cheek.  
  
“For us candy elves, there’s only the one.”  
  
“The one?”  
  
Jensen nodded. “I know that were-creatures mate for life, teddy. I might not turn into something furry every once in a while, but I only fall in love once too.”  
  
Jared felt his mouth hanging open, but he couldn’t help it. He had just found his mate, the love of his life and he was a candy elf, tasting like the sweetest honey. Never in a thousand years Jared had even dared to dream of something so perfect.  
  
He tried to gather Jensen in closer, but they were stuck together.  
  
He looked down and their bellies, groins and legs were covered with sticky, honey-like residue, gluing their skin together.  
  
Jensen pulled a slight grimace. “Yeah, that’s sort of the disadvantage of being a Honeyspot. It is very... sticky.”  
  
Jared tried to process this information, but he got stuck on the part that Jensen apparently ejaculated honey.  
  
The elf gave a sigh. “Come on, lets go clean up. I’m sure-”  
  
“Oh no,” Jared said, “we’re not going anywhere to clean this up. _I_ will clean this up.”  
  
Jensen looked confused at him for a moment, but when Jared slowly pulled away from him, strands of Jensen’s come turned stringy and hung like the strings of a spider’s web between them, and Jared just leaned down and started licking and sucking them up.  
  
“Oh,” Jensen said, “Yeah, that’s, that will work as well.”  
  
“ _Oh!_ ” he said again a while later, when Jared had made his way down lower. “I think, I’ll really like having a furry critter around.”  
  
As an answer Jared just sucked harder and Jensen bowed of the couch.  
  
Yeah, a Honeyspot and a werebear were an excellent match.  
  
And really, who could blame Jared, when the whole finding Jensen made him so happy he spent the rest of the weekend singing to himself?  
  
 _A candy elf and a werebear sitting on the northpole, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!  
  
_

_  
_[art](http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/linvro21/63379115/2854/2854_original.jpg) by [meus_venator](../users/meus_venator/pseuds/meus_venator)


End file.
